Juliet was jailbait and Romeo was a raging paedo

Valentine’s Day is coming up, and as is tradition, the closer the day gets, the more excited the couples become and the girls who are spoken for are getting increasingly restless with anticipation. And it makes me sick and nauseous to my very core. In this post, I shall deal with 3 issues:

1. Why Romeo was in actual fact a raging paedophile and not some sort of romantic demi-god that moronic women traditionally use as a template for an “ideal partner” (that concept doesn’t exist in reality, but that’s another story).

2. The reasons why Valentine’s Day is (for want of a better word) stupid.

3. The fact that pretty much every girl is nothing more than a self-serving malingerer who acts like a petulant 4 year old.

In 1593 (give or take a few years), William Shakespeare, history’s most overrated and overly-hyped playwright (seriously, that prick wrote an unprecedented number of clichéd plays and sonnets, stole an outrageous number of plots from other writers and was essentially just a propagandist for the Tudors) wrote a play called Romeo and Juliet. Not only has this play caused a sensational amount of frustration for GCSE English pupils, it also glorifies paedophiles if you read between the lines.

Allow me to elaborate, it is thought that a young man like Romeo would have been approximately 18 years old. Apparently, a young woman (and we’re talking pretty young here) like Juliet would have been around 14 years old. Could you imagine going for a 14 year old when you were 18? Well, neither can I.

Unfortunately for those who possess a concept of common decency, this is only just where the fuckery begins. You see, in Act 1 Scene 2 or 3 or even 4 (somewhere near the beginning), Romeo is being a pathetic virgin by mourning his break up with some former girlfriend (I forget her name) and he’s pretty much on the verge of suicide (man up, crying over the lost affection with a female human is for the weak). Not only is he the abnormally obsessive kind, he’s also really into girls who are way too young for him and he kills Juliet’s cousin later on in the play, the symptoms of a sociopathic paedophile. Jimmy Savile was therefore far from the first paedophile to be involved in the entertainment business. Thus, Shakespeare was a pathetic excuse for a playwright. This blog is more original than that man’s plays. In addition, the fact that “Shakespeare Day” is a real entity and coincides with St. George’s Day cuts me up inside.

Moving onto the second issue, the fundamental reason why Valentine’s Day is stupid is because we don’t get the day off for it. I get a day off for Christmas, Good Friday, Easter and the odd Jubilee and national bank holiday. All of these days just mentioned at the very very least give me a day off and often live up to their respective hypes. But does Valentine’s Day do that? Fuck no. This cretinous day was dropped from the Liturgical calender in 1969 because priests couldn’t stand stand this so-called “St. Valentine” a mediocre priest at best getting a day of the year dedicated to himself.

When I tell you about this Valentine character, you’ll see how this vile excuse for a holiday has absolutely zero foundations, tradition or culture backing it up (it’s like Tulisa if you think about it, she claims to have “urban roots” when in fact all that happened was that she was in a band, made a few songs with a slight bass line whilst wearing a slightly more upmarket tracksuit).

There were two St. Valentine’s during the 3rd century AD, a time when the Roman Empire was persecuting Christians: Valentine of Rome and Valentine of Intermna, a priest and a bishop respectively, minimal information is known about both of these men (therefore it repulses me that they merit their titles). However, their martyrdom in the year 270 AD (c.) is commemorated on February 14th. A common tale is that Valentine was a priest and married Christians in cognito due to the fact Roman marriage practices did not suit the new Christian movement. If this is the case it is a cheap excuse to found Valentine’s day on as this type of defiance has been practiced many a time throughout history (by the FLN during the Franco-Algerian War and by the Jewish Bielski partisans who fled Nazi persecution to name a couple). Therefore, Valentine’s Day is just a stoopid corporate hijack of a day for people blinded by ignorance and historical inaccuracy. Fraggles!

My final (and arguably most subjective) point is that all girls are nothing self-serving malingerers who behave like petulant 4 year olds. I reinforce this statement with the fact that all you need to do is pop into Liquid on a thursday to see that about 80% of a girl’s actions are mere attempts to satisfy their animalistic instincts. Also, why wear a painful high heeled shoe to “look good” and then complain about the foot pain? Do you see me slitting my wrists and then bemoaning the fact my clothes are getting covered in blood?

Finally, if you disagree with me and think I’m just being a cynical prick, I shall tell you this one simple and undeniable truth: any woman would leave you in the blink of an eye if another man offered them a certain amount of money, that amount is just different for different women. Real talk.

 

 

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